Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Today I experienced frustration. The deep, unsettling, disappointing kind, and to be honest when it was all said and done I was a little heartbroken. As I stepped back I realized my mistake in dropping my guard and putting too much trust in others. However, I was content to wallow in my self pity and frustration...which was ultimately leading to anger.
Then God brought me here ... to this quote. It literally popped up on my screen - coincidence, I think not.
Let a man set his heart only on doing the will of God ... my probelms so often stem from me trying to do so much more than the will of God. Impress people, make a name for myself, prove myself, make people pay for wrongs, etc. My heart needs to be set only on doing the will of God. God has put me exactly where I am for such a time as this. I have a divine purpose here - and God is so much bigger than even that. He is going to work out his purpose in me all the way to completion. When I let myself get distracted and discouraged by the things that are just simply not the will of God ... well it's then that I fall flat on my face and end up heart broken and defeated.
The second part of this quote is my favorite - he is INSTANTLY free. The minute I decide to stop chasing after the things of this world and refocus all my attention on the will of God ... the things of God, I am instantly free. Free from the pressures and expectations, free from the disappointment and anger. I'm free to allow God to be who He is - and for Him to work in me the way he so desires.
I desire to be free ... and I desire to set my heart on the will of God. It's a choice, a decision I must make. When the world tries to creep back in and when I find myself heartbroken by words and disappointments - I will cling to the truth that it's not about me ... It's all about Him. And I will focus all my time and energy on that - and I will be FREE!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Sunday would have been my Pappaw's 80th birthday. That alone is quite a feat. My Pappaw was such a special man. He was a fighter that's for sure. Some might have looked at him as the grumpy, gripey old man he was or they might have remembered the proud, stubborn man he had been - but I remember someone who loved me more than anything and who alwas made sureI knew that. Which in my little world - meant everything.
Ever since I can remember my Pappaw was famous for his near death health issues. I can recall so many times sitting in waiting rooms waiting to hear if he had survived, sitting by his bedside begging God for a little more time. Then he'd wake up, be perfectly fine and back home within weeks - back to do doing the things he always did.
My Pappaw was a generous man (to me anyways!). He had this tradition of keeping his money in the trunk of his tire, underneath his spare tire. Don't ask me why - but he did. When I was in college and they would meet me for dinner or lunch our trips always ended with a quick trip to that trunk. He'd try to hide it from Mammaw although she wasn't as clueless as he thought. He'd always pop that trunk - pull out a twenty, put in my hand, kiss my cheek and tell me he loved me. I miss those times - not for the twenties - not even for the kiss, but for the words. I loved hearing him say he loved me. Sweet, sweet words.
One of my very favorite memories with my Pappaw came when I graduated from college. He and my Mammaw wanted so much to take me to their favorite spot - Branson. I'd been several times with them before - but this will always be my most treasured trip. Funny thing was, it wasn't so pleasant. Let's see...we started off from Oklahoma and my Pappaw of course was driving. But eventually he got tired and passed the wheel off to me. Now, you have to understand Pappaw was a typical man driver! Get in that lane, hit your breaks, do you NOT see that car! But that I could handle - it was the moment I said, "Hey, Pappaw is that our exit." "Nope not yet!" Then twenty miles down the road the yelling began. I had missed our exit!! :) What a great start to that trip - but I'd miss that exit a hundred times over just to be in the car with him again. My ulitmate favorite memory of that trip and one I will cherish forever was our date. He was so excited. He only had two tickets to some hoedown country family show that he loved. He was going to take me - just me! :) Before the show we went out for burgers and shakes - and durng the show he spoiled me with anything and everything I could have wanted. But what I cherish most - was him holding my hand walking back to the car telling me how much fun he had.
See My Pappaw he wasn't always a great man to everyone. I'm not sure he would even be classified as a great father or husband - but as my Pappaw - no one could do better. Not because of money or gifts - but because he was never ashamed of me, never ashamed to share his love with me - and this little girl - craved that desperately.
As I sat in church on Easter Sunday, celebrating the fact that my Jesus has risen indeed - we began to sing Because He Lives. As a little girl, I often went to chruch with my Mammaw and Pappaw at the oh so special Hess Baptist Church. My earliest memories of church music are of standing next to Pappaw as he belted out the lyrics to some "old" hymn. Well as I sat in that service - those memories flooded over me once again. I am so thankful for grandparents who have not only instilled their love in me, but the love of a Savior - a legacy of following and loving that Savior as well. I am truly blessed.
So as I set out to post my first blog - I want to honor my hero, My Pappaw. I miss you everyday- I long to pick up the phone and hear you singing to me - or being silly or just saying you loved me. I long to fight over our Sooners/Cowboys ... but I know that you are in an amazing place, with an amazing Savior - Because He Lives.